YO Jeff – No More Cold Showers

No More Cold Showers: Real Tips for Men on Celibacy

America loves casual sex, but is it ruining men’s chances at finding love? Movies and pop culture encourage a macho ideal that celebrates lots of sex with many partners, with the ready excuse of “boys will be boys.” This attitude breaks women’s hearts, but it leaves men damaged, too.

Good men are tired of being led around by their libidos. Because of hot sex, we often find ourselves stuck in relationships with women who are completely incompatible outside of the bedroom. Sometimes, men’s sexual desires are so strong, they sabotage our relationships. In successful relationships, sex isn’t the main motivating factor in getting together and staying together, but how can we bypass this distraction that we’re culturally wired to respond to? Fortunately, there is a simple, if difficult, solution.

Some people choose to eliminate sexual activity from their dating process altogether. It isn’t easy, but the rewards are great, so I have put together a list of tips to help men get greater control of their sexual urges.

Celibacy is when a person has a normal dating lifestyle without sex.  I first heard the term in the early ‘90s, shortly after Magic Johnson announced that he had contracted HIV. I was talking to a girl who decided she didn’t want to have sex anymore.  She was fresh out of a relationship with a cheater who wanted sex 24-7, and she felt she needed to be celibate for a while. Her rationale made me think I over-prioritized sex myself, so to better control my desires I became celibate as well. 
 
I practiced celibacy for three years during my 20s.  During those years I met girls who were celibate and others who were abstinent. 

Abstinence is different from celibacy.  Abstinence is defined as the commitment to not participate in any sexual activity, including intercourse, genital contact, and other sexually arousing activities.  People who are abstinent normally do not date; they are mostly virgins or recommitted virgins who have chosen to abstain from sex and even casual dating.

I chose only to be celibate, because I still wanted to hang out with women and see if I could control my urges enough to find a woman I liked more than just sexually.  Unlike those who practice abstinence, most people who are celibate have experienced sex, so it is challenging in a different way. 

Here are some tips for men who want to try celibacy to learn to control their sexual desires.  Whether you want to be celibate for a month or until marriage, I have some important things to remember.

1. Understand and accept that men can control their sexual urges, but
    this society does not want to admit it.  Therefore, being celibate
    you will be considered weird and abnormal by many people,
    including yourself (sometimes).

2. Explain your practice to the people you are dating and tell them
    why you chose to practice celibacy.

3. Study your relationships with women before, during and after
    your celibacy period.

4. It is intelligent to want to learn how to control your sexual urges
    and anyone who cannot understand or accept that is not
    someone who is good for you.

5. Do some research on dating practices around the world,
    especially in non-European cultures, because the U.S. follows a
    European dating culture. Think critically on the purpose of sex
    and it will lead you to more than a recreational use of it.  Some
    good questions for you to ask yourself are “why sex is pleasurable?”
    and “what is procreation?”

6. Understand sex starts in the mind and you will not lose your mind
    if you don’t have it.

7. Learn how to please yourself by yourself. Masturbation is natural
    and will not make you go blind but, like everything else, use it in
    moderation. 

8. Understand your body will take time to adjust if you’ve been
    engaging in sex very often.  You may naturally release fluids from
    thoughts, memories and dreams.  Don’t let it spook you out.

9.  Set a time frame for how long you would like to be celibate.

10. Try not to put yourself in environments where sexual energy is
      very high. 

Tips for People using Abstinence

Even though I was celibate, not abstinent, I still have some advice for people who are.  Whether you are a virgin or a recommitted virgin, abstinence is a different machine than celibacy.  People who are using abstinence are not going out on dates in hopes of starting a relationship.  They wish to put off the search for a life partner until a certain amount of time lapses or until they are ready.  Here are my three simple tips for people who are using abstinence. 

1. Avoid direct sexual stimuli.  No matter whether you have had sex or not,
    the chances you don’t know what it is are very slim.  Sexual promotion is
    everywhere and it affects everyone.  When I was celibate, I dated a girl
    who was a virgin and when she started reading erotic books she started
    to lose her resolve.  So it is important for everyone to respect the lure of
    sexual promotion and avoid porn and other forms of high sexual stimuli.

2. Tell everybody.  Telling people is important for two reasons.  First, because
     it is considerate to the people who may be interested in you.  Secondly,
     because people will help you stay on your course.  They will be proud of
     you and help keep stimuli away from you.

3. Remember your motivation. For abstinent people, this is usually God,
    self control and self preservation. Abstinence can strengthen your faith, teach
    you better impulse control, and is hands-down the safest form of
    STD – and pregnancy prevention out there. 
 
I do an abstinence workshop every year in Ft. Lauderdale, where I teach a modified version of my 10 Hip Hop Dating Codes I replaced Code 3, which is no sex on the first night, and strengthened the conversation aspect.  You must have real talk on the first night you meet someone.

I also replaced Code 4, which is about using birth control, with “I will educate myself on the various forms of birth control and STD prevention.”  I wanted to strengthen the focus of contraceptive awareness of people who are not having sex.  Statics show that teens who are abstinent through high school have a higher pregnancy rate than those who are sexually active in their teenage years. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment we’re tempted to throw caution to the wind, but the more you educate yourself and train your mind on your goals, the more likely you are to succeed at celibacy.

Please as always hit me up if you have comments on this subject.  I hope these tips help you.  coachyojeff@gmail.com

Jeff Carroll aka Yo Jeff is THE hip Hop dating. Jeff is dedicated to stopping the games in dating. Yo Jeff gives advice on how to avoid playas and gold diggers and strategies for successful dating. Reach him at coachyojeff@gmail.com

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