Hip Hop Dating Coach Yo Jeff Carroll breaks down your problem dating patterns, and how to change them. Pt. 2 of the series.
In Part I, I explained that dating is the personal vetting process to find a life partner. The first step in establishing a successful dating process is to examine and understand your own dating history.
When you’re sick, you make a doctor’s appointment. Before you can be fully diagnosed, your diet and other aspects of you health history are studied. Dating problems must be diagnosed the same way. When clients come to me complaining about the quality of the selection of men or women available, I help them understand that the solution may lay in their own dating history.
Ask yourself these questions:
Where have you met your past dates?
This is important to keep track of. Certain types of people hang out in certain types of places. I call this the venue menu, but if you are having problems meeting good dates it may not be as simple as going to a different bar. You may need to change the type of venue altogether.
People often think they attract a certain type of guy. I hear women complain that even when they dress down and not so sexy, they still meet guys who just want to have sex. When I ask these women where they’ve met these guys, invariably they say “the club.” Well, night clubs offer physical contact, alcohol and other drugs, loud music and dim lights. This venue is perfect for bootycall scouting and that’s just what’s on the venue menu at clubs. People, especially men who depend on music and alcohol to loosen up a prospective date’s inhibitions, go to clubs and dance–or better, vertically lapdance–so they can turn on their seduction skills. Bootycall seeking men are not the only patrons of nightclubs, but if a person is having problems meeting men without a sexual agenda, they need to change the place they look for dates.
How do you spend your dates?
Dating is a collection of activities that can have a big impact on the formation of your bond. It doesn’t matter how much you feel you are soulmates, it is still important to try a variety of activities. College students have a particularly bad habit of date repetition. They’ll have pizza and watch DVDs for an entire semester, then realize after four months they still don’t know anything about the person they’ve been having sex with.
What kind of relationships has your date had in the past?
Its always good to learn what kind of dating history the people you have been dating have. Were you the nice guy for them after they dated a bunch of thugs? Were you the first girl they’ve dated who was their same race? Do they usually date much older or younger people? Answers to these questions tell you a lot about what may have gone wrong in your relationships.
It’s very hard to know exactly what caused a break up, but learning the dating history of people you date helps. You may find out you were the rebound chick for your last few dates and there wasn’t anything you did in particular that messed up the relationship. Something like that means you need to give your dates a little more time before entering into a relationship with them.
Why did your last relationship end?
It is important to get an idea of how your relationships ended in order to understand what needs to be corrected in your dating process, and you need the opinion of the person you were dating. How a failed relationship ends is more important than how it began.
People may be good at attracting people, but don’t maintain interest in the relationship. Cheating is not always something that is predestined to happen. Sometimes men and women seek intimacy outside of their relationship when boredom sets in and ultimately causes the relationship to end. Therefore, if a woman’s last few relationships ended this way it may not be caused by meeting dogs or players; it may be that her dating activities are not fun and the men she dates don’t know how to break up–or they just want a piece. A lot of relationships deteriorate into just sex before they totally dissolve. Also, a lot of people, both men and women, like to have another person lined up before they end their current relationships.
Who picked up who? How did you meet? Were you the chooser or the chosen? Did you select or settle? Were you were friends with your dates first or were they strangers before you dated? What were you wearing when you made first contact? Were you doing something characteristic of yourself or trying something new? What kind of person introduced you? If they’re freaky or heavily into politics, it’s likely the person they introduced you to expected you to be the same way.
What kind of person do you usually date?
Have your last few boyfriends all been football players, or are you a breast man or do you just date blondes? Do you select your dates cerebrally or do you let physical characteristics guide your date selection? Our attraction should be a balance of physical and personal characteristics. For people who are most often chosen (and not choosers), this question is still important because it helps determine the kind of people you attract. Sometimes solving your dating dilemma is as simple as improving the criteria you base your date selection on.
It’s easy to understand your problem when you do something obvious that destroys your relationship, but most of the more difficult problems are not that obvious.
The questions I’ve listed will help determine what these less obvious causes are. According to a survey done by TopDatingTips.com, 29% of people claim their relationships ended because of cheating and 20% claimed they either drifted apart or it was unknown circumstances.
Too often, people think they can just close their eyes and remember their past experiences, but I find it’s much more effective to write out your experiences on paper. Whether you are the problem or the people you’re meeting are the problem, you cannot make the best adjustments unless you have an understanding of your dating history. Once you have that understanding of your problem, you can start working on the solutions. Many people ignore their past and keep on doing the same thing over and over like the world is going to change.
Dating history is so simple, but most people ignore it and continue having problems. People make wish lists of the type of people they want to meet, but they rarely examine why they are not meeting them. That’s just like making a wish for good health and not studying your diet and exercise habits. To achieve your dating goals, your action plan has to stem from your current condition. You are your history, and if you don’t change your behavior your circumstances wil persist. Wake up people, it’s a lot easier to change yourself than the world.