Remember when Run DMC dropped, and you couldn’t sleep until you got a dookie gold chain? Gold on a roll, electroplate, you didn’t care you were gonna be just like Run! Then you looked in a mirror. Wonk-wahhh.
Some things simply don’t translate well to real life, no matter how sweet they look on album covers, in videos, and generally on the body of someone rich and famous. You ain’t David Lee Roth, so leave the ass-out chaps to the professionals, buddy. Think about it:
10. Gold Fangs. The Wu Tang Clan pioneered this urban vampire thing years ago, looking both menacing and sexy. You? You just looked like you crossed the wrong orthodontist.
9. Extreme Sagging. Did we say this looks cool on albums? Our bad.
8. Clocks. Only one man in America can sport this without looking like a crack-addled lunatic. Oh, wait…
7. Massive Tats. Please keep your issues bottled up on the inside like everybody else. It’s just not polite to share that much, unless you’ve got an album out that goes into detail.
6. Totally Crossed Out. Daddy Mack and Mack Daddy praised the totally crossed out look, labeling the inside-out trend “wiggedy-wiggedy-wiggedy wack.” But they shouldn’t throw stones from their little backwards glass houses.
5. Extreme Hair. Kid cut the fade, and Coolio can’t pull off plaits anymore. So why are you playing around? Take your grown ass to the barbershop.
4. Baby Bottles. I know you’ll black out sipping sizzurp too fast, but a bunch of grown ass men would’ve looked smarter than that sucking on Hungry Jack bottles.
3. Massive Tats. Please keep your issues hidden and bottled up inside like everybody else. It’s just not polite.
2. Prince Blouse. 1985 logic: Girls love Prince, Prince loves ruffles, so if I get ruffles, girls will love me like Prince, right? Wrong; it didn’t work for you or Seinfeld.
1. Beat It Jacket. I actually never got one, which caused me untold distress until I saw how they looked on everyone except Michael. Then I didn’t feel so bad. In fact, I realized everyone looks a fool in
***Hon. Mention: All Prince and Michael Jackson gear, including but not limited to 5-inch high heel boots, high-water marching band pants with white socks, Edwardian velvet jackets and Captain Crunch epaulettes. Know your role!