Category Archives: SOMEBODY NEED TO TELL..

Somebody Needs to Tell…Antonio Cromartie

GrownHeadz isn’t into stereotypes about athletes. Our publisher is a former football player and Resident Alien has a mean volleyball serve. But these last couple weeks, our professional brethren have been dumb-jocking it to an exceptional level. We love them, but today’s picks need an open-hand smack to the face and a good long talk on taking precautions. They’re not completely lost. Somebody just needs to tell ‘em.

Somebody needs to tell…
Antonio Cromartie about an awesome invention called condoms, so you don’t knock up every single footballer-balling groupie that sneaks into your hotel room.

If only Antonio ran the math: a $9 box of condoms (one for each kid) would’ve saved him $250,000 annually in child support.  
A quarter of 

a mill a year is fine (well, no, it REALLY isn’t) when you’re 26, but it’s not going to be pretty when you’re 40, retired, and all four of your current crop of 3-year-olds hit college.

Check out the clip of him struggling to get all their names right. He missed one altogether! Get it together and stop fucking up innocent kids’ lives.

Somebody Needs to Tell…

Ozzie Guillen that Miami doesn’t play by the rules (i.e. Constitution, Bill of Rights, Amendments, Free Speech, etc.) when it comes to Cuban Americans and Castro. They will set that ass on fire.

Ozzie Guillen pres conference
"Ooohhhh, shit."

The Miami Marlins manager told Time MAgazine, “I love Fidel Castro. A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that motherfucker is still here.”

Guillen caught himself and tried to dial it back from love to “respect,” but Miami wasn’t having it. He’s on a five-game suspension, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s beefed up his personal security either.

Only one thing can repair his career in Miami: starting every sentence from now on with “Fidel Castro is a son-of-a-bitch.”

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Somebody Need To Tell: Dick,Mitt, and TMZ

This Dick's sneer puts homophobes in fear.

Somebody Needs To Tell…..

Dick Cheney
Word on the street is, the surest way to convince a Republican state rep to recognize same-sex unions is to call in Captain Equality, that champion of freedom everywhere, Dick Cheney. Yes, the Machiavellian man behind the throne through the Bush years has become a strong-arm advocate for marriage equality. It helps that his daughter and, it’s rumored, his wife are among the lesbian ranks, so he has some skin in the game. We here at Grownheadz commend you, Mr. Cheney. It’s wonderful to see a card-carrying Republican lend your considerable conservative weight behind a noble cause. Dick even trots out a nice soundbite: “Freedom ought to mean freedom for everybody.”

Now, before this turns into a full-blown Dick-fest (pause), we AIN’T forgot. Dick’s tax cuts for the rich still have America walking sideways, we were losing 75 million a MINUTE for a war in Iraq cause in his words, “they had more stuff to blow up,” and his bold-faced bragging that he authorized torture and would proudly do it again has France and England losing all our party invitations in the mail. So hey, it’s nice to see that the Tin Man has a heart for one segment of the population, but on the real? Dick can still, well, eat himself.

TMZ
During their coverage of Whitney Houston’s funeral, TMZ informed the world that the transpiring events were in fact a “home going.” They explained that “home going” is a common term used in the black community to describe funeral services. That’s fine, the more you know and all that. The problem was, after that educational moment, they kept up a continually snarky, sarcastic, quotation-marked reference to Whitney’s funeral as a home going. Note to TMZ: Black folks ONLY use home going on the cover of the program—in every other instance, it’s fine to say funeral. Ask some of those black staffers we see on the TV sitting around the office and you’d know that.

For a guy named Mitt, he sure does drop the ball a lot. Ba-da-bing!

Mitt Romney
It appears that Newt “Never Drop” Gingrich has taken the lead in polls leading up to the Republican Michigan Primary. Hate to break it to ya, Willard (how the hell that got shortened to Mitt I’ll never know), but you might have to take an L. Remember back in 2008, when it really, really looked like the Big Three auto companies were about to come crashing down? Michigan does. Mitt, a man born in the state, whose daddy was once governor and the CEO of a defunct auto manufacturer, was running for president. A son of Michigan had a national platform to speak for them. And what does he tell the world? Let it crash. Let it fail. No government bailout, no help, just let’em go out of business. GM’s entire third shift nearly went to join Elizabeth.

Well, what a difference four years make. Mitt must have prayed he’d have the nomination in the bag before the Michigan primaries rolled around, so the vote wouldn’t matter much. Ooops. Check your history books, and you’ll find there’s nothing worse than a Teamster with a grudge. Mitt’s making appearances around the state talking about being a “son of Detroit” and how he loves lakes… and cars. Whatever dude. What should have been a cake-walk is now a 10-car pile-up, and we think we’d rather take the bus.

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Somebody Needs To Tell Democrats: Get a Tea Party

Somebody Needs to Tell…..

Democrats: Let’s start our own Tea Party.  Bill Maher might be right. After the whole debt ceiling debacle, where a bunch of jus’ crazy as hell sum-bitches on the right were willing to let the US economy fly off the cliff to prove a point, it’s time to fight fire with fire. 

The left needs its own group of nutjobs repping hard for reparations, getting gangsta for green energy, shit-kicking crazy for social security and foaming at the mouth for free healthcare. 

We gotta take the Sean Connery approach from “The Untouchables” and stop bringing knives to these gun fights.

Republicans: Retire “LYNCHING” as a metaphor. If you don’t like a policy or person, stop saying they need to be lynched. It is almost never (and by almost we mean 99.99998% of the time) going to be perceived as a good thing.  Even if you’re “lynching” a white guy,

Still not laughing.

 

most figure it wouldn’t take much for you to start stringing up the usual suspects—historically speaking. 

Besides, we’re bound together in this bloody American history, and it’s strange that such a subject of pain for one side could be such a blithe rhetorical construct for the other. Wanna hear how funny it is to us? Replace “lynch” with “rape.” And then go use these “harmless” metaphors at a rape clinic. Ha, ha hell.

From now until the end of Obama’s 2nd term (yeah, we’re claiming it), lose the “L” word.

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Somebody Needs To Tell: Losers Edition

It’s been a minute, but the issues this past week do not allow us to hold our tongues. We must speak on it. There are few people we MUST reveal the truth to.
Somebody need to tell….

LeBron James
Don’t get pissed about losing and the haters. It just makes it all that much sweeter when you come out on top. (Full disclosure: I was kinda rooting for Dallas; not to see you fail, but to see J-Kidd get one before he retired.)


Lebron Haters
G-g-get over it. Yes, he left the Cavaliers for Miami. Yes, he made BIG promises. But DAMN, y’all act like the guy was choking puppies and taking ice cream from disabled kids. Although it was a mean thing to say, Lebron’s right. You can talk about him all you want but he’s still a millionaire and you? You gotta go to work in the morning.

Tracy Morgan
Learn the difference between your real life and your REEL life. It’s kinda funny to be absolutely loony on 30 Rock, but here in the real world saying STOOOOOPID things on stage can get that ass written out of a show. You see what happened to ya boy Isaiah Washington when he started slinging the f-word around. Yes, we realize you have made your 100th official apology as of today, but remember Liz Lemon aint real and Tina Fey don’t play that isht.

Anthony Weiner
Smart move resigning (according to sources). Now, a lot of people are saying the GOP kept David Vitter after he got caught with prostitutes and wearing diapers, but that’s different. He’s from New Orleans and that’s just how they do. ’Sides, there were no pictures of the deed to ridicule, along with a terribly unfortunate name. And while sending pictures to women who aren’t your wife isn’t the worst thing one could do, the sheer number of times he did it makes us think at some point he just got all EXTRA freaky-deaky with it. Somewhere out there is a pic of him doing (insert freakiest thing imaginable here) to come out (is that a pun?). ANYway, it’s best to step down now and hope the wife still lets him get online to order pizza once a month.

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Somebody Need To Tell: Somali Bombers

Over Thanksgiving, a Somali teen plotted to set off a bomb in Oregon. This coupled with several groups of Minnesota Somalis who are making the area ground zero for jihadi recruitment have us here at Grown Headz thinking…
Somebody Need to Tell Somali Extremists:

Airport Security
"Sir, please step your black ass right over here."

Look. As an African American born, bred and raised in this country for almost 40 years, I understand how you might develope a, well, extreme viewpoint when you look at what the US has done here and especially abroad.

Believe me, I get it. MOST of us (African Americans and even a few white folks) get it. But y’all gotta pump your brakes. Yeah, killing innocent people is morally rephrehensible and all that, but for real, FOR REAL? My objection is just a bit more self-centered than that.

You’re making it hard for me and the rest of the family. After 9/11 I truly empathized with my Arab and Middle Eastern brothers and sistas out there. They couldn’t go nowhere, no place without getting some kinda hassle. But along with that empathy was a slight tinge of relief.
Like, “Whew, glad I can slide through this airport with no problems cause EVERYBODY knows black folks don’t blow up planes and random daycares.”

It was a feeling that only white folks were used to. A feeling that must come when they hear about police looking for criminals and just knowing in their heart of hearts they’re not gonna get stopped. I gotta admit, it’s a nice feeling.

But here y’all go. Amerikkka has got you all riled up and now you wanna blow something up. Problem is, while black folks can spot the subtle differences that are a tip-off that you aren’t from the US, the authorities (i.e. white folks) can’t. They’re not making those kind of distinctions. To them, a guy from Somalia could just as well be a guy from Detroit. All they know is y’all look black LIKE US.

So after six years of sliding through airport security like grease, being damn near invisible to TSA, FBI, CIA, SHIELD, UNCLE, MI6, and any other law enforcement agency out there, y’all are putting us back on the burner, back in the spotlight, back in the trick bag.

It’s like that moment in Godfather III when Michael Corleon almost makes it to being a legit business man and his mob past pops up: “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me right back in.”

Granted, we never really made it “out,” but damn it felt good to see the light at the window.

So in conclusion, Somalis terror sympathizers, please leave the demolition ish to your lighter-skinded brothers. I’ve got a plane to catch, I WILL be running late and a full body cavity search doesn’t fit my schedule.

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Somebody Need To Tell…Juan Williams

We know them, we love (some of) them. But when pundits, politicians and celebrities get out of their lane, somebody needs to tell ‘em.

Somebody need to Tell….Juan Williams

Juan WilliamsDave Chappelle
We noticed subtle changes after Juan Williams went to Fox.

 

Enjoy the attention while you can. NPR fired Mr. Williams after he made racist anti-Muslim comments on-air, and home skillet has been basking in the warm glow of conservative outrage and support for the last week. Kudos to NPR for–however shakily–standing behind a wise editorial decision. Juan’s increasingly wing nut stances all but obliterated his career as a solid journalist and gifted interviewer, as he was called again and again to legitimize (and colorize) Fox News’ batshit viewpoints.

Watch your back with these folks, Juan: you know what happens when a black man stays at those parties too long. Those crackling flames? Not candles.

Mrs. Clarence Thomas

Clarence and Virginia Thomas, Anita Hill
Oh, and Virginia, a few other things not happening: Kwanzaa at your house, your butt looking good in jeans, and anyone paying you any attention at all.

B**** Please.  If you’re a grownhead you remember Clarence “Sell-Out Supreme” Thomas’ confirmation hearings for the High Court back in ’91.  His former assistant Anita Hill testified that he sexually harassed her while they worked together at the EEOC—memorably joking about pubic hair in his Coke (what is this guy, 7?). 
The ish hit the fan and ole Clarence almost didn’t make the cut, until he pulled the race card and called it a “high-tech lynching.” Very clever, Uncle Thomas.  Y’all see how that’s been working out.  ANYway, 19 years later Clarence’s wife, Virginia, puts the strudel down to call Ms. Hill and say she wants an apology for all those dirty, dirty things she testified about in ’91. 
Anita responded with a classy “Has she bumped her head?”
We might have respected you more if you had did this 19 years ago, and you might have gotten a smidgen of dap for being a real one. But now? Especially after Clarence’s ex Lillian McEwan has come out supporting Ms. Hill’s testimony (20 years late)? Ya got holes in ya game, Miss T. Go back to the tea party and shut yer mouth.

Kareem Burke
Or should we say Kareeem “Biggs” Burke? The name may sound vaguely familiar. He was the quiet, behind-the-scenes guy that helped found Roc-a Fella Records with Jay-Z and Damon Dash.  Apparently, his side hustle caught up with him.  Burke and 42 others got nabbed in an 18 month-drug sting.  Reports say he had anywhere from 177 to 360 pounds of weed on him when he was hit.  Daaaammmmnnnn! According to a law enforcement spokesman, this wasn’t just some dudes with the “hook up.” Their group has had wholesale weed distribution on lock for the last 20 years in NYC.  He needs to review the “American Gangster,” particularly the advice given to Frank Lucas: “Getting out ain’t the same as getting out ahead.”

Brandy Norwood
And you all know what that means!

West Coast Brothers
You might wanna holler at Brandy. According to interviews it’s been a minute, actually a few years, since Ms. Norwood’s had her cookies crumbled. Don’t be intimidated—it’s also been a few years since she was famous, despite a turn on Dancing wit the Former Stars. She’s just a normal everyday woman taking care of her kids and looking for love.  So spit game, tell her the judges were haters and pack a lunch—you know how it is when it’s been a while.

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Somebody Needs To Tell…


Somebody Needs to Tell…BP

In the movie Payback, Mel Gibson’s character drops a nugget of wisdom that is as true in business as it is in life: No matter how big the company may be, if you go high enough you’ll find one person who controls it all and has the final say.

So what’s my point? Somebody needs to tell that man at British Petroleum (BP) that they are being prepared a very spacious, deluxe, all-accommodation suite IN HELL. It’s bad enough about the big oil spill (you might have missed this, it’s top secret). The spill itself was a horrific, excruciating accident. But it’s the run-up: By spending big money on lobbyists and buying off senators, BP made damn sure regulations never got too tough and the few weak rules were never enforced.

Then after the tragedy occurred (and we ain’t seen the worst of it yet), BP squeezes the fishermen who volunteered to help clean up, you know, the ones whose livelihood might be destroyed, THOSE fishermen. BP had them sign a contract that holds the company harmless if the men are hurt during clean up. Furthermore, the contract holds the fishermen responsible for any damage to their ships AND BP won’t provide any HAZMAT training for the guys. Just get out there and git’er done, fellas.
Mr. and Mrs BP Overseer, your room is almost ready.

Somebody Needs to Tell…George Rekers

Somebody needs to tell George Rekers and every other far right, gay-bashing, cock-hungry bigot that Rentboy.com isn’t the best place to find someone to “carry your luggage,” unless by carry your luggage you mean tickle your nether regions with an eight-inch meat monster. It seems that every conservative gay panic loudmouth is busy stuffing their faces behind closed doors, and I’m not talking about the buffet.

Maybe they should chill out on the “God Hates Fags” rallies and make an appointment with a nice therapist to work out their self-loathing issues. Realize that if Jesus himself was not actually gay, it’s highly likely that he hung out with a couple of queens—the VIPs of Biblical outcasts—and I think he made it into heaven. Then, stop by their local Lambda bookstore and make a few friends—for free. And doesn’t Craigslist have a section for unloading your baggage?

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SOMEBODY need to TELL…

Somebody Need To Tell….

John McCain that martinis and meds don’t mix.
The former presidential candidate was on the O’Reilly Factor discussing Arizona’s newest immigration law, which allows police to conduct random checks to determine whether someone is in the US illegally. Foes of the legislation believe — rightfully so — that this is just legal racial profiling. The former maverick senator, who is in a tight race to keep his seat and has to shine up his GOP bonafieds, is all for the new law. But just a few years back, didn’t he introduce legislation to overhaul immigration? If you recall, the Right was overwhelmingly against allowing them thar ill-legals into the Yoo ESS AE. They got all worked up and red in the face, huffing and puffin with so much overt and covert racism that they pushed a couple million Hispanics right into the arms of some light-skin dude named Barack. But McCain has good reason for his political quick-change:
“..it’s the drivers of cars with illegals in it that are intentionally causing accidents on the freeway. Look, our border is not secured. Our citizens are not safe.”
WTF????
Johnny boy, as a person who risks their life to drive in Miami every day, I UNDERSTAND how you might wonder if these folks are driving this badly on purpose. Inthe five years I’ve lived here, I’ve witnessed more accidents than all my previous life combined. But Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez aren’t hatching a nefarious plot to put a dent in every new American car. At the risk of sounding like a chauvinist, Latin and Caribbean immigrants are just bad drivers. They haven’t been stealing mom’s car since they were 14. So c’mon man, you need to come up with a better excuse than that if you’re going to flip-flop.

Somebody Needs to Tell…

Roger Goodell to S***t or get off the pot.
Unless your internet connect is under a rock, you’ve heard about Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisburger being accused of sexual assault by a 20-year-old college student, and GA authorities’ subsequent decision to not to charge for lack of evidence. Hey Roj, what’s the hold-up with Big Ben? You’ve said yourself that you don’t actually have to be found guilty of a crime to be in violation of the NFL conduct policy. Now, we understand why you might let Ben slide on the first accusation of sexual assault –oops, I mean rape, that came out. It’s assumed that every self-respecting pro athlete will be targeted by a gold digging SKEEZERat least once in his career. So the first one is free. But it’s the SECOND time. Roj didn’t have a problem pulling out the conduct code on black players, but now that a big-name white dude is on the spot, where’s the swift justice? Koren Robinson got suspended for a year for a DUI that got dropped. Bryant McKinnie lost four games for a tussle in a Miami nightclub, and Pacman Jones was out indefinitely because of strip club shenanigans where he was never charged with anything. We’re just saying, we’re watching you, Roj. There’s a little time left on the clock but people are going to start to wonder (and some already have) if you’re operating under the If you’re white, you’re alright rule.

UPDATE:

Just when you think its safe. We guess Raj heard about our post and in an insidious plot Mr. Goodell announced the suspension of Ben Rothlisberger AFTER we posted in an attempt to embarrass US.  Well anyway Commissioner Roger Goodell is letting us know white AIN’T alright (at least this time).  Big Ben has been suspended for 6 games in the upcoming season.  Raj is obviously sending a signal to other players, if I will suspend a two-time Super Bowl winning QB even when he hasn’t been charged guess what I might do to YOU.

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Somebody Needs To Tell…

Somebody needs to tell the Democrats:
Bout Time!! I guess better late than never, but DAMN!
We here at Grownheadz been complaining for months that the Dems need to get on the J-O-B, ASAP. Ask once, ask twice, and since y’all seem to be a little on the too damn polite side, even ask a third time but when the other side guys say no, uh-uh, and HELL NO… FCUK EM (we’re a family website, we don’t wanna force you to read us late in the night after hours. You already can’t play all your old NWA CD’s)

Somebody Needs to Tell The Republicans:
HA HA HA HA HA! Nanny nanny nah nah! LOL LOL LOL LMBAO !!!11!!

Somebody Needs to Tell Everybody Watching This Whole Debacle:
Now we know what TRUE haterism looks like. Check under “T” for Tea Baggers.

Some Dems need to lose their jobs. Specifically the 34 sell-outs that voted against their own party.

And all of us need to get a copy of When We Were Kings. Why you ask?
So we can learn to recognize the rope-a-dope style when we see it. The Right spent all summer going to town hall meetings, actin like straight bozo’s. Racist signs, crazy rants, and general ig’nant behavior. The Democrats weren’t any help; even with 60 votes they were too scared to get NUTHIN done.
But Barack? In the middle he stayed calm, just waitin to drop bombs, bustin that rope-a-dope style. He let everybody holler and scream, taking their best shots at his loyalty, birth and even his soul (some still say he’s the antichrist). And when they were all hollered out, homie looked around like, That’s all you got? And STILL got it done.
His speech to House Democrats before Sunday’s vote could have come right out of a movie. Only thing missing was the swell of the score in the background and the standing ovation at the end. Oh wait, he got that, too.

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Somebody Need To Tell: Tavis, Al Sharpton is the Wroooonng …. to %#@& With

Somebody Need to Tell Tavis Smiley Not to Call Out Rev. Al on the Radio!

Of all the people who should know better than to call out the right Rev. Al Sharpton, Tavis Smiley tops the list.
Rev. Sharpton is more than a civil rights blowhard with decades of impeccably coiffed hair to his name. He’s only one of the world’s most formidable debaters.
Young Tavis has worked up close and personal for ten years on his State of the Black Union meetings with Rev. Al, and he’s seen that when the Rev. gets to ducking, diving and signifying, ain’t nothing holy about it.
So why did Smiley think he could step to Sharpton and call him out, on live radio no less, Tuesday morning on the Tom Joyner Morning Show?

Black leaders, he said, “are singing a new hymn I never heard of, one that says the president no longer needs a black agenda.”
Tavis is fully aware of the connotations of singing, mind you, and all the shuffling and soft shoe imagery attendant with it. He went on to name “Al Sharpton, Ben Jealous, Charles Ogletree, Valerie Jarrett, Marc Morial, Dr. Dorothy Height” as offenders.
Tom could smell the brown storm coming, and having gone through his own incident with Tavis only last year, was steadfastly noncommittal. He maintained his professionalism and waited—he knew he wouldn’t have to wait long.
Rev. Al called in a scant few minutes later in a state of pure pomade fury, and was hardly as subtle as Tavis. He referenced the “Negroes” running around “buck-dancing” for Bill Clinton, blasting Tavis for famously calling Clinton the first black president, and said Tavis had misrepresented and distorted his statements.
Check out Tavis’s Olympic-worthy backpedaling on Al’s Keeping It Real show later.

Tavis: “What I said was, uhhh–”
Al: “Negro, is you crazy?”
(Not a direct quote)

I think Tavis learned his lesson. He may not be able to sit for a few days, but he learned.
My question is, does anybody think Al Sharpton won’t show at Tavis’s not-quite-but-very-similar-to-the-State of the Black Union discussion in March? What do you think?

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